No weight loss but I'm starting to lift weights. Hopefully I will keep up with this. I want to go on the treadmill or elliptical for five minutes after each machine but meh. There is a couple at the gym that I need to avoid because I can't concentrate when they are doing free weights and jumping around in the limited space. I felt like they were laughing at me today but at least I felt to myself like I was trying my best.

161

I really can't stand this. I need to just eat healthy. Why is it so complicated?  Why was I doing well and just let the weight creep back on. I'm addicted to sugar and junk. I saw a video today of myself at Zumba and although I was impressed by my fluid dance moves I felt I looked like a butterball turkey. Can I not lose weight without the vengeance of trying to get back at everyone for picking on me for so long??? I'm pretty much alone right now in terms of anyone really understanding how much I can't control how terrible I'm eating. Am I just waiting for things to fall apart to pick up the pieces? I really don't want to go back there but I'm also feeling like something is missing from my life. Killing myself with obesity is not the answer though. I have to lift myself up and keeping trying even if I fall off the trail some. 

160

I had beer. Late Last night. I guess that did it since I didn't really eat last night and I exercised in the morning. I feel full so it's a high weight. It like starting all over again on the process.

158.2

Errr. Not sure how to feel.

156.2

I don't know. I didn't eat as much. I passed out when I got home and did the more rigorous Zumba. My body feels empty so this could just be a low weight. Not a normal 156 weight.  

157.6

At the rate I'm going I will be 158 for my vacation. I don't want that because I will need to buy all new shorts instead of just using what I have. I've already spent a lot of money on the clothes I'm wearing there and I need them to fit. Maybe I need to start exercising more or doing something different. I don't want to accept being close to the obese mark. I'd rather be some what over weight. I'm just happy I'm not in the 160s. I need to make sure I bring my lunch and bring healthy snacks. Mini wheat cereal is not actually helping like I thought it would. Neither is popcorn. I don't want to give it up but for the sake of my health I guess I need to say bye. It's so tiresome to be on this never ending food addiction battle. 

Zucchini

Zucchini probably is one of my favorite vegetables right now because it takes on the flavors of other food and is a good bread replacement. I made peanut butter chicken with natural peanut butter and realized I could make peanut butter zucchini sandwiches if I bake it altogether. I'm looking for ways to make this eating healthier not a chore but something to look forward to. I kind of wish I wasn't the only one cooking but cooking the chicken is becoming less of a hassle. I need to find better snacks for work. Eating celery and carrots in a bag will be my last resort unless I pack Greek yogurt dip or something.

156.6

Errr. Not sure. My weight has been going up and down. I was a 156.0. I need to stay on track. I'm going to post more in depth later.

157.6

I'm not even sure what to say. I'm thinking my carbs are still up too high because I had crackers and popcorn but I know I'm doing better because I ate green beans for breakfast. I made like a chicken stuffed with lasagna stuff type thing using fat free and low fat stuff. The sauce was low sugar and sodium. I cooked zucchini with it. At least I know that this kind of meal is not going to balloon me because I was using south beach phase one ingredients. 

I still haven't figured out what I want to do for making salmon. It's actually an expensive fish unless I get a Sam's club card and buy it in bulk for 6.99 a pound.I

157.0

Yesterday I was 157.8. I wish I could say ill be exercising today but I have to stay late at work. I need to remember how sweaty I get doing a particular teachers Zumba because I shouldn't think to go to the grocery that gross. I hope i get my salad today. 

156.8 I was a bit hard on myself.

I went back on the scale again and I was at 156.8. I think I need to be mindful that drinking late will have an effect on the scale.

157.2

Sigh. I ate too much bread despite my efforts of hollowing the bread for the breakfast sandwich and throwing away half to three quarters of my chow mein. I didn't exercise though so the results are not surprising. I need to cook today so I can go down during the week

156.6

Huzzah!! I need to exercise today. If I break into the 40s by November I'm going to scream with joy. I'm eating at panera right now so hopefully this doesn't mess me up. I have more to write but I'll do it later.

Edit: Alright. More to say:

I'm becoming more ok with salad at least for the time being. Having finished that baked chicken with zucchini is giving me hope about my continuing with cooking though I haven't become fond of it like some people. I have been eating the Chick- Fil-A cobb salad and yesterday was the first time I ate it with spicy chicken. I'm wondering if I start making fried chicken salad at home whether I would continue to eat right. The $7.19 per salad is less then desirable and it's only salad mix, bacon, corn, tomatoes, cheese, eggs, and chicken. I think I could do that better at home. I pick out a lot of the bacon. What I could do is boil a whole bunch of eggs for the week in the microwave ($2), Get some salad mix ($5), go to the salad bar for the tomatoes, corn, and cheese ($3), Cook some chicken ($7). For the price of 3 chick-fil-a salads I could get a lot more salad. The only think that deters me is that I could not make the chicken the same way as chick-fil-a so the other concept I was thinking is to make the salad without the chicken and just get an order of chick-fil-a chicken strips which I could use for 2 salads. The other concept is to just make a chick fil a salad a treat and come up with my own type of salad that is both cost effective and timely like chicken, southwest salsa, salad mix, and eggs.

I can't remember if I posted about this but I bought a new outfit from gojane.com to work myself into after seeing Trina's picture from one of her recent shows. Hopefully it will look good on me. I couldn't find a gold belt yet but I will. I'm trying to be more trendy and weight loss is a good motivation for that.

157.4

Alright. Hopefully I don't blow it this time. I'm feeling like I'm going to keep going down if I can continue the routine I started. I almost forgot my lunch for work but I went back in and made it. This has to work. I really want it.

158

Ten pounds to go until I reach my Trinidad weight. I can do this. I have one piece of chicken left in the refrigerator and I've been looking up the recipes for salmon so I think I'm getting somewhere. I ate a chick fil a Cobb salad last night. They are 430 calories. I think I might try asking for no bacon or cheese or something to make it less calories. I want to be able to eat chick fil a with no regrets. I also don't use dressing so I've got something going. 

I was researching bento boxes because I was trying to figure out if its worth me buying or if I should just keep my own Tupperware. I had no idea Japan  had health guidelines in terms of how you should eat your bento. I still need to look into it more but it was fascinating that they help guide people to have smaller weight. I need look at typical bento meals to get a real understanding of how I could pack my lunch better for work. 

158.6

I guess I'm doing alright. Making the decision to bring lunch to work might really help me stay on track if I continue to make big batches of food for myself. Some reason instead of tacos I'm wanting salmon. I don't know why. I was thinking about making barbecue salmon or salmon with cream cheese. I don't know how healthy either of these options are but I want to try one. I need to look up if its in a diet list.  It would be nice to have sushi but I know I can't eat it without gaining weight unless I go to a Buffet and eat a plate of vegetables before I eat sushi.  I always tend to eat like 12 to 15 sushi rolls but I'm going to change that. 

I bought the dress for the wedding and had a horrible experience at lord and taylor. I doubt I'll be shopping there again but the dress looks really nice. I dislike how my arms look but the dress is not going to change it. I bought a dress that flares out because it is what brings out the positives of my figure while hiding the negative. I am not going to feel like everyone is staring at the fat over my belly button anymore. 

160

I guess my going with the flow cost me all of my weight loss from last week. I guess I will be trying harder 

Err

I know I'm going to hate what I see on the scale in the morning. I ate a lot I mean a lot of food. I saw this girl today that made me want to eat salad for the rest of my life. I was upset that all the dresses I tried on today didn't fit. I felt like I was too fat for everything I thought was cute. My skin sagging issues on my stomach is the main problem in stuff looking cute even when it does fit. I just look skinny fat? Even though I'm really close to obese. 

I did like 130 squats tonight. I was feeling sweaty so I know it was doing something. I'm going to try and finish off the chicken I made and eat salad more. I haven't forgot about my zucchini taco salad. I need to see if there is a recipe on safari. 

I have a wedding I'm attending in a couple weeks and I'm too like how I look for when I go. I'm not going to know anyone there really so I would matter too much if I lost or gained but I want to look decent.

The picture is what I have so far for the wedding outfit. 

157.4

I'm not how my weight went down. I finally cooked the chicken. This time I used stuffed the lime juice cleaned chicken with store made salsa in the produce section ( not the perservative kind that sits near the nachos in the snack aisle) and cut up zucchini and put them around the chicken. I dusted everything with salt free spicy seasoning and black pepper. I baked it for 45 minutes this time. I will have enough chicken for a few days. This was inspired by the chicken Cobb salad I had from chick fil a the other day because it had corn in it. I'm on my way to a party so we'll see how that goes.

I'm going to figure out how to make zucchini chips this week because I want to have zucchini taco salad. I couldn't buy cabbage because the lettuce section in the produce department is always gross.

158

I'm honestly considering a food monitoring program because I think I need to re-evaluate what I'm consuming. I really would like to be in the 140s or 130s by December and  I think it could actually happen if I control more about what I'm eating and drinking. It feels like a long road but I can do it. This time I will have a better understanding of what will work for my body.  The south beach diet gives guidelines of good and bad food so I already know what will help move the weight loss but I think something like weight watchers will help me with portion control. Maybe I'm eating too much food or maybe I'm not eating enough food. I would like to see what happens. I know I always choose to start something new when my plate is already full but this is my well being so I need to make it a priority.

I did the 100 squat challenge yesterday because of failing when it was attempted the day before but I had no idea how difficult it was going to make doing Zumba last night. I mean I guess it's a good thing because I want Zumba to work more for but really I was so tired by the end. Hmmm. 

The picture is from wednesday at Zumba Class.

158.4

If I can get under 158 I think I will jump up and down because it feels like torture.  Why must it not go down? Any day that I eat like crackers or something it either stays the same or goes up. I feel like I have to workout every single day. That is annoying. There has to be a more satisfying approach to eating. I have chicken in the refrigerator that I'm going to cook tonight to hopefully help. I bought more zucchini this time than the last but I was hoping to get some cabbage. The grocery by me always seems to have a nasty produce section with rotting food. I need to learn how to shop better so I can avoid this store. 

158.6

I guess where I went wrong was eating the rest of the panda express. My stomach is growling so much it's not funny right now so I know I'm hungry. I also only lifted weights. I thought about walking on the treadmill but instead I walked around the mall. I'm disappointed that I'm not going down right now even though I'm freaking starving but I will try to do better today.

158.4

Hopefully continuing this squat challenge will also help me get better a Zumba. I went to Zumba last night and started getting winded. This time I knew it was because of the squats not because of the fat. I also went to Panda Express last night but I only ate a quarter to a third of the meal so I wouldn't overeat. I'm not sure if I will keep going down but I'm eating green beans for breakfast this morning so it's a start. I keep thinking I'll lift weights at work but what if I lift weights before I get to work so I know it's already done. As soon as I wake up I just lift weights. Yesterday I did my squats while I was brushing my teeth. I don't know what I was thinking but I was glad I had got it out of the way. I wore heels to work and doing squats in heels would have been difficult.

Edit11:24 am: I'm having some jealousy issues off seeing girls at the gym dropping in weight and physically being able to see it. In Zumba I'm as active as the fit people but I'm just bigger. I barely have love handles but I would like them to disappear. I want the whole frame to be smaller so I can wear backless shirts too. I just ate my salad and chicken. I will do it every weekday if it keeps my weight going down. I should start bringing my own chicken instead of buying the chicken so I can save a little money. I need to figure out what spices they use. Or I could just do what I said which was making the turkey breast tacos where I drop weight everyday

Bah

I'm writing again because I feel like I need to just get things off my mind. I have events coming up where I feel like if I were smaller that I would feel less self conscious. I've been thinking about how I    need to try more healthy activities to keep me motivated. My goals that I have set for myself revolve around spending money. I wonder if I'm putting too much on my plate by wanting to work extra to pay for the things I want and also do better at my regular job while losing weight. I started to get pretty sad amount giving up so much to lose weight but maybe I will just end up being smaller. I had a hard time this weekend trying to not compare myself so much to how I used to look and just think about how I look currently. I'm at a 8-10-12 size. The stomach pouch is pronounced so it will be a while before I reach 140 pounds. If I make cheese less turkey breast taco salad with Greek yogurt for sour cream and cabbage for the lettuce I might do a lot better both monetarily and thought wise. 

I finished off the chicken I made surprisingly. Normally I would let it go to waste after getting bored with it but the idea of going on a trip makes me want to save. If I eat ramen to save I would gain weight unless I practiced making the noodles from scratch. 

My legs are so sore from the squats that I will probably feel it tomorrow. Zumba is tomorrow night so I might end up having to sit out a song to alleviate some of the soreness. 

158.8

I'm back in the 150s. Hopefully I can keep going down. I went slightly off my plan by eating at the bowling alley but I didn't manage my time well yesterday. Hopefully today will be better. I'm about to do the squat challenge because I missed it yesterday from not managing my time well but at least I'm going to do it today. 

160.4

I'm not sure if I didn't go to Zumba yesterday if the number would be lower. I'm hoping to continue going down. It still bothers me that I feel like a marionette in some ways towards this weight loss but I know that I'm trying to make sure I fit in the clothes I bought before and also I want to see my face look smaller. It would be nice to go down into the 50s by next week. I forgot to bring lunch today for work partly because I should have packed it last night. I'm going to get a salad today for lunch. 

My friend and I were talking about the methods to use for losing weight and I'm coming ato the conclusion that I will need to cut cheese out of my life to the best of my abilities. I was doing low carb cheese before but cutting it out like I'm allergic might help me stay focused. I want to make some more baked zucchini tonight but I'm not sure how to cook it. I will figure something out. 

Chicken with celery and zucchini

I am proud of myself to follow through with making the chicken. I put chopped celery at the bottom. Laid the chicken on top. Poured no sugar added pineapples on top and zucchini slices around the chicken. The put salt free seasoning on the chicken and put pepper on the zucchini. Baked for an hour at 350 degrees. So happy with the results although I wish put more zucchini in the pan. There was so much chicken that the vegetables won't be enough. It tastes to me like chicken soup only better.

161

Thank you Raquel for the encouraging words! I find it hard sometimes to look at the fact I am not back at 220. I'm afraid of going back there so I'm going to stick with this. I did the 100 squats challenge YouTube video again this morning even though my legs were sore walking into work. I'm hoping that I can see visual results eventually. I know for sure now that I'm definitely being treated differently though because of the weight gain. Your weight shouldn't define you. I'm going to try harder to eat the lunches I bring to school instead of avoiding them. I ate scrambled eggs for dinner and breakfast yesterday and chicken for lunch. I was supposed to cook chicken last night but I didn't feel like going to the grocery. I wanted to bake it with celery and zucchini. I will do it tonight. I hate being in the 160s. I actually dislike being in the 150s but I could tolerate it. If I can keep up just coming into work and doing my morning exercises then I should be able to develop a routine. 

163

I stepped on the scale today thinking I would just be sitting at 160 but it said 163.4. I went to Zumba last night and I was so winded. I really hate the fact that if I don't go to the gym that I really will keep going up in weight. I thought it might be a depression sort of thing but I just eat too much sugar and processed foods. I have to be honest with myself that I need to just make working out at the gym as routine as brushing my teeth. I also need to force myself to cook. I'm not going to use the excuse anymore about the person I'm living with making me feel like its unreasonable to cook because they won't eat what I'm eating. 

It's really depressing that my weight is solidly back in the obese category but I saw it coming and didn't stop eat. 

People are going to make fun or me regardless of what weight I am. There are people still wanting to be my current size but its not enough for me. My clothes are getting tight and although I've been feeling somewhat happy that I'm not trying to stress to impress anyone. I haven't impressed my self. I looked at pictures from the over weekend and I just looked fat. I'm not going to go around talking about it but I did. Then the person I'm living with started mentioning how I should try doing squats. Is this your way of telling me that you think I look ugly? 

Err

I tried on my shorts that I wore for the vacation in december and I couldn't breathe. I need to get over myself and just eat correctly. I need to save money anyway so I can make all these purchases from Japan. I estimate that on an average workday I spend 20 to 30 on food so I'm spending at least 100 to 150 on food a week. That just doesn't work for me I could buy a dress a week if I made a giant healthy meal and ate it for an entire week with slight variations. 

I'm redoing my wardrobe to really be more about Japanese fashion. Also to have nicer things in general. I bought designer costume jewelry and have been practicing my makeup. Hopefully I'll do something about my hair. It was looking cute for a long while and then I just gave up.

I canceled my gym membership but I still use the gym at my place. I'm trying to devise a plan of entertainment while I'm on the elliptical machine so I will be motivated to stay on it for like 40minutes. Pandora isn't cutting it for me. I tried to use my phone to play a YouTube movie but it didn't work. I will figure out something. I want to watch Naruto while at the gym. There are so many episodes I will have enough to last me like an entire summer. I just need to figure out how to make it work. 

This picture was taken Wednesday. My face is looking puffy again. I need to take more photos to keep track of where I'm going.

157

I'm working out how I want to lose weight. I hit 162 at the beginning of the week and freaked out. I told myself I never wanted to go back into the obese category and I did. Right now I'm extremely overweight and feel like I should be happy with it but I would rather but closer to normal. I was debating whether I should renew my membership at the gym since Zumba hasn't been helping me lose weight. This week it did. I don't really want to pay that price to continue my weight loss. There is more to life than just walking on a treadmill and dancing in a Zumba class. Maybe I will have someone to exercise with on a regular basis in the future. Right now my goals are to exercise for a least 30 minutes a day. I didn't technically do that yesterday but I did walk around the mall for hours with my sore legs. My schedule is in disarray from this night class I'm taking but I will prevail. I'm going to put my health first. When I saw my weight in the 60s I thought about the health problems of being overweight. I don't want to be sluggish.

Swinging

I don't know what exactly is stressing me out but its been affecting my eating. I started gravitating towards junk again. I'm feeling like I just need to step back and look at how much I've accomplished in terms of my weight loss and give myself a break. I don't know. I was doing well on my challenge but not losing weight. My pants are fitting more loosely though so that's a plus. I should eat a lean meat for breakfast to keep myself on track everyday.

Eh

Feeling alright. I tried on some clothes that were tight before and now they are a little breathable. I didn't end up using the grill but there are a lot of grilling foods on sale this week. The possibility is there. Now, I'm going to try running on the treadmill again and seeing if I will be less sore. I'm hoping to do the treadmill and two days of Zumba at least. Sigh.

If salad makes you thin

If salad makes you thin than I'm all for it. I've been eating salad and feeling more content with myself. I know there is the notion that skinny girls don't eat salad but honestly I don't care because at least it's working for me right now with feeling good about myself. I want to cook the chicken meals I've been thinking about. Hopefully when I get home I will make time to cook I took the cooking time to clean stuff or I knocked out sleeping. My legs are still sore and I did not work out last night. Maybe this really means if I want to see improvement that I should add running in every week with Zumba.

So sore

I did about 20 minutes of weight yesterday after doing an hour of Zumba. I'm so sore. I was sore during Zumba and I was even sore laying in bed. It's going to be a long day. I ate we'll too but I'm not sure I'm going to lose weight with me body feeling this sore. It's been a long time since I've had a sore week at the gym

Yes

I didn't really want to go to the gym yesterday but I went and actually had a great time. I did 2 miles on the treadmill in 24 minutes. I was actually pretty proud of myself considering I haven't been on the treadmill in a while. People were staring at me but I'm used to it. I looked in the mirror to see what they were looking at and laughed. Hopefully I will be able to do the 3rd mile soon. I also ate pretty healthy except my dinner. But even that wasn't really bad. I need to look for that swimsuit I really wanted to wear. People keep telling me to get a two piece but the way I was treated when I wasn't wearing the cover up with it was depressing. If I can maintain being in the low 140s in like June or may I will get a new bikini otherwise I'm getting a flattering but stylish one piece. Also at this point I don't even care if its expensive. I just want to look good.

Lowering my stress

I think if I were able to lower my stress levels I might be eating better. I need to make sure my wants are not pushed to the back burner. I was thinking about how I keep doing for others while pushing aside the things I want to do. My goals are just as important as their wants. They don't necessarily need my help or presence to do whatever.

I think I will be buying an expensive swim suit so I can have one that really fits. It doesn't make sense to work myself into a suit if there is already one that will make me look awesome I just have to spend a little more.

My breakfast this morning was green peas and unsweetened ice tea. Hoping to have salad for lunch or tuna. Then grilled or baked chicken for dinner.

Goal this week

1. Exercise a couple times.
2. Use my George foreman at least once.
3. Eat lean meat at least once per day.
4. Drink lots of water to see if my skin will start clearing up.

Ugh

Nothing like trying on a dress in your closet and being too big for it when you fit it. I don't know why I keep kicking myself while I'm already down about my weight. I've actually been eating decently the past couple days. I kind of wanted to cry though honestly.

Sigh

I need to stop eating grains. If I don't stop I will start ballooning. It's rather annoying my lack of self-control. I'm not sure when I will learn but I have to try.

Meh

I'm not really losing right now. I threw myself off track with eating too much at the tea party. As long as I can make it into the 140s or high 130s by August I'll be alright.

152.6

I'm actually pretty thrilled considering I thought was going to gain a lot considering how much I ate. I had grilled salmon tacos with beans with the tortilla part and a large salad when I hung out with my friends. I want proud of myself for being able to pick healthy choices.

152.4

I'm feeling alright. I ate a saucer portion of Chinese food last night and two bags of popcorn so I should be content with my weight. Hopefully this weekend I will come up with something with the spinach I have in the freezer. I really would like spinach stuffed chicken or mini quiche. Eggs are not on sale right now so I've been holding off. I was however able to get my favorite Popsicles on sale. Really happy about that.

153.0

I fell asleep through dinner time last night. I'm happy the weight is going down. I don't have cabbage really prepared for today except a small bag. I will make two more containers when I get home from work. I will have Zumba tonight though. I'm not sure how I'm feeling about Zumba right now though. We'll see.

155.0

Good right? I feel great considering I was in the 159s a few days ago. Hopefully with this plan I can get into the 140s I love the part about eating fruit with this. I will try to eat more vegetables though. I ate grapes, an orange, and a pear for the fruit but I only had cabbage yesterday as the vegetable part. The greek yogurt with flavoring is also another good part.

156.4

I'm ok with not going down too much considering I shared a piece of cake with someone yesterday. I tried to do better today. I caved and went to the vending machine but luckily there was pistachios and I hadn't had any nuts or seeds so I think I'm within my limit. I just had fish for dinner. I'm starting to think that the reason I fell off because I wasn't using my resources to make healthy foods more creative. I need to have meals I enjoy but that don't necessarily differ too much from what I normally like to eat. My healthy food meals need to be posted so I can just pick from the list to see what I'm feeling for. I also need to just try things out. The frozen grapes thing is really working for me. I'm glad I got them on a good sale. I don't know how much the fruits I've chosen to eat will slow down the weight loss for trying to get back into the 140s but at least it makes me happy that I can make choices other than cookies/brownies. Speaking of which, I have a tea party coming up that I'm baking for but I think I will indulge without going overboard. I might just pack a small snack to put in my car if the whole party is just too sweet. I want to enjoy the people not backtrack on my healthier lifestyle.

Vegetables: I need to come up with a better way to intake my vegetables creatively. I ate cabbage today leaf by leaf and it felt like forever. I know I can do better than this. I was thinking zucchini or chickpeas or something that will be more fun. There was a recipe with roasted zucchini worth trying. This quote also popped on my Tumblr searches "Cook when bored". It's a really good idea because I usually shop when I'm bored but what better way to make me healthier than to test out the recipes! Especially to get over my fear of cooking with more than like 4-5 ingredients. I was thinking about doing the thing I did last time I lost a significant amount of weight in a short time (cooking 4 pounds of boneless skinless chicken breast and eating it for the duration of the detox period). It would be quicker but this time I will get less chicken because I remember not eating all of it.

156.6

It feels good to lose at least some water weight. I'm now doing a challenge with myself that will last until August. Hopefully I will do well. It's not a weight loss challenge but one for eating healthy. If I can go the whole day without binging on sweets and eat lean meat at least once that day (bonus points for twice) I will gain some points towards prizes of things I've been putting off getting for myself. Hopefully weight loss will come out of this but I want to be healthy more than I should really worry about the weight.

So I just looked at myself in the mirror

It was a pretty long look. I can clearly see now how I look larger. It's so apparent there is no reason for me to deny that I look jiggly. I don't know what to do. I think I just want to go grocery shopping and buy some frozen fish and some more stuff to go with the cabbage in the freezer. Part of me wants to cancel the plans I have tonight because after looking in the mirror I'm not feeling attractive at all and going to the club feeling ugly is just going to have me comparing myself to the other people. If I had been blogging I would not have let myself go like this. Even if I were stepping on the scale often it might have made me have better decisions. I think I'm so upset because I feel like a failure. I had told myself I was not going to go back up and here I am back up here feeling fat and ugly. I was getting fed up with the daily thing of worrying about my weight to the point that I couldn't enjoy some days but it feels like I'm more upset now because I just can't be healthy without tracking how I am with food and exercise. I will never have a non-food related life. This is depressing but if I can get over it will be a better people. I'm not even that much happier with all the stuff going on in my life--so much stress and not enough rest. If you are reading this please just live to be happy.

Trying to deny unhealthy habits

I'm back up to 159 and it feels pretty crappy. I still think about my weight all the time but I keep making bad choices towards my weight goals. I'm still hoping to be in the 130s but I keep eating things like Chick-fil-a, TGI Fridays, vending machine food, and chinese food on a regular basis. I tried to go back onto the south beach phase one but after realizing that my regular grocery store didn't carry 99% ground turkey breast anymore it all kind of fizzled out. I really cannot continue like this. I will not be going out to buy bigger clothes because my clothes feel tight. The confusing part is that I am doing better with Zumba in terms of the difficulty in moves but I'm getting winded some times.  One of the main things I need to change is packing my lunch for work and making sure I have more food in the refrigerator. I was going to spend hours doing my hair but I think I will make a trip to the Health Food store and see what I can get to help with the weight loss. I did buy a whole bunch of tuna to take for lunch but I get more hungry than that throughout the day. The grapes I took were devoured and I've been eating greek yogurt the few days. I kind of feel like crying. My mind keeps going back to how people told me I really needed to lose weight even after I was feeling good about myself. Sigh. Eventually I will just have to make up my mind to ignore all the others and just live how I want to be. No more alcohol-- Waste of money. No more frequent restaurant trips-- Waste of money and time. More blogging- I need the accountability of what's working and what's not. I need to vent and express my mind here instead of to others. Here is where I can express myself without someone larger than me looking at me cross because they don't understand it's still a struggle when smaller or someone smaller looking at me like why are you exaggerating, 5 pounds even 10 pounds is not that much. It's a lot when you are short. 5 pounds is the difference between fitting into a pair of pants. Everything will workout I just need to remain positive, eat healthier, pack my food, and exercise.

156 (1/30/2013)

I wish I could say it was over but it feels like it's a never ending battle with weight. I can't seem to make enough good decisions about food and drinks or even exercise. I fell into a slump because I know Zumba is not helping my weight loss like it used too. Also I've made some friends but my decisions to indulge in bad food have lead me to this point. Hopefully I can break this horrendous weight gain. I'm feeling sluggish and down mostly because I know I could be doing better. Convenience and saving money is not doing me any good. I was trying to compensate for all this going out with my diet and also I've been trying to fit in. Fitting in with others is not helping me fit into my pants. It was actually embarrassing that I was getting dressed and I could not wear some of my clothes because I gained. Also I had been working so hard and I still have people calling me fat. I'm not fat. I'm not back to obese even though I'm close. I think I may stop hanging out with people and go back to my novels and biographies to get my mind right. The weight gain is only a symptom it will solve itself when I remove the stresses from my life. I still need to find friends that like healthy choices.