Weekend Guilt

I'm not guilty about what I ate at the restaurant.
I'm guilty about still being afraid to exercise with anyone around.

It must be a self conscious or something issue but I still haven't been able to bring myself to do after being criticized so much. It just doesn't make it right that I didn't exercise I will just have to keep working.

Everytime I have a major weight loss I get nervous after being excited. It's really true?? I'm getting smaller? More people are going to start paying attention again just because of my size? I need to go with the flow and just be happy.

No new information about running yet. Hopefully the snow will give me some real days to figure out a plan for the spring. I really would like to be solidly overweight instead of borderline obese by July. (Note: The BMI index deems my height to be overweight at 160. So really by July I'd like to be about 150 so I'm comfortable in the overweight category this means that I'd have to lose 24 pounds in 5 months or about 5 pounds a month to reach this goal. The sooner I start my training regime the better.)

174

So excited and surprised.. 174? I have been using the Ragu Jar to weightlift with my triceps and I have been doing leg ups a lot with that move from the hip hop abs commercial. Also, I've been working out on the elliptical... so maybe.... along with the fact it's been mostly vegetables rather than fruit and meat.... so we will see. Only 14 more pounds until I'm overweight!!!!

Thinking about it I'm more nervous

My boyfriend proposed the idea that he and I should go to a restaurant tomorrow night. I was excited at first until it started to sink in that I'd have to eat at the restaurant. We haven't been visiting too many restaurants recently and I'm glad. I don't want to risk myself ballooning. Salad is going to be my mission or steamed vegetables.

The rent on my place is being raised. I don't know how to refinance my budget to feel right. The economy is not well so I really will have to buckle down and keep the minimum. No more buying unneccessary food like food I'm buying just because it's on sale and then later I forget about it only to go, "Why did I buy that". I will also have to stop shopping so much. I don't buy stuff all the time but I will have to stop just randomly shopping. I could use that time to do my jogging and for that matter use the gas towards jogging. I could minimize the amount of clothes I have to save on the amount of washing I have to do.

Question? Tuna Tuna Tuna

Do you realize how much you've changed since you started your weight loss journey? I keep wondering if I look the same all the time. Even when I know my pants are looser and my shirts aren't snug. I keep questioning whether I have done enough to make it show to the people that matter that I care about being alive until I'm really old. I will start writing down my progress in researching places to jog: school tracks, parks, down the streets. I think down the street is pretty dangerous so be careful. I really would prefer to jog in a park. I just have to find one that I can be comfortable running in. Also preferably on the way home. I've been trying to make losing weight as cost effective as possible. I spend money on getting healthy food and already have 2 pieces of gym equipment so I really don't need to spend more money on gas to go jogging.

I've also been doing more reading about growing carrots in my dining room. I still have concerns that the plants might attract bugs of that I will have a black thumb again killing all the vegetables. I couldn't even grow something that you didn't even need to water. Better luck this time I hope. I could get a gallon of water and grow it in there or use that Hi-C jug I have sitting in my fridge. I had an anime party a few weeks ago and refuse to drink the juice. I'll pour it out and use that container! Epiphany through writing! Squee!!! I just need the activated charcoal, gravel, soil, and seeds!!! So cool. I love it.

I'm also going to start selling my crafts because I can't keep having them pile up in my place and I want to spread my kawaii (cute) art all over the world! I will post on my other blog about all the crafts and update my etsy shop.

Oh about the tuna. I love love love this Lemon and Pepper Tuna (Single serving container). Best thing I could use for adding protein with lunch. I'm happy to now have protein, veggies, and fruits as the real base to my diet. Vegetable Gyoza for breakfast!!! Apple for a snack later... Tuna and flaxseed tortillas for lunch. Brussel Sprouts for dinner.

weight lifting with Ragu?

So I wanted to try out doing some weight lifting but I didn't buy the weights from the store yet... I started digging around my kitchen and AHA a jar of Ragu was heavy and dense enough to be used as the weight for tricep toning. I hope I feel it tomorrow; I lifted it for about 15-20 minutes. Next time I will time it exactly. A little weight can go a long way when you haven't exercised the muscle in a while. I really want to find a place to practice jogging. I keep thinking about it a lot besides the idea of growing vegetables at my place. I really think running will be the key to me keeping up with the weight loss and sustaining it. I always see people getting addicted to running. I want to be addicted to a healthy activity.

Kind of concerned..

Does being healthy mean that I have to be thin?

It's not necessarily a question of looking for excuses to remain fat... it's more of a question to understand why someone might be rushing to lose tons of weight fast besides the social stigma..... to lose weight= eating vegetables and fruits+ exercising+ getting some good sleep+ drinking water... my mind is a little jumbled as to why i keep reading about so many people trying to lose weight way too fast.

Rome wasn't built in a day... neither was being fat. Do what you can and be happy that you tried. Losing tons of weight fast and then being unhappy because your skin is sagging is going to bring a whole new set of baggage. Toning and cardio. Lose the fat while fixing your muscles.

If you are unhappy with your arms... especially the tricep.. Do tricep toning exercises. So what if people say that it doesnt do anything for weight loss in general. Forget them and do it. At least you'll feel better that you are doing someting about your "problem".

I'm basically saying all this because I'm fighting with myself over my motivations of losing weight and progress. Regardless of the motivations I will continue to lose weight because I like more of how I'm eating now than I was doing before. I went out last night. I kept feeling like people are staring negatively about me (too self conscious).. part of it could be really because I didn't exactly feel comfortable. I need to keep working. Weight loss does not solve confidence issues but pushing myself outside of my comfort zone will.

Edit: Even though I was self conscious I did have way more fun than some of the people there. I am glad to have went.

180 Woot Woot

Finally the scale says how I feel and look. I look thinner and feel thinner so why did the scale take a longer time to show that? I don't know. I worked out already 2 days this week. I changed it up last night and did some time on the elliptical and then did tae bo. Let me tell you how sore I felt after the video. I'm glad I changed things up too I was getting tired of the same workout over and over.

180 means 40 pounds completely lost from my body!!! Woot woot!! I will celebrate by working out and maybe adding Hip Hop Abs to my collection or Zumba. I have watched the infommercials too many times but like the dancing component. But this really means that I am 50 pounds away from my final goal and only 20 pounds from my next really big goal. At 160 I will look really good in a swimsuit. At 160 I will also try on my old swimsuit and give myself a comparison to remind myself of how it feels to be healthy vs unhealthy.

Edit: on second thought no zumba or hip hop abs... maybe an exercise video game like just dance.

first workout

I had my first workout for the week tonight. I really am happy to be keeping up with working out. I hope there is positive results showing on my body. If I take it one day at a time I think I'll be fine with keeping it up. Thinking if I do it today I will be able to say later that I did try.

I went to New York over the weekend to catch out an Art Museum but I felt like I wanted to explore. I love walking through New York. It does feel like a work out and fresh produce there is pretty inexpensive. I kept eyeing up the fruit but this time I didn't have a real chance to eat it. I did have curry. It was delicious.

I also went back to Trader Joe's last night. I'm getting a little agitated that they don't enough gyoza in stock. I'm going to need to really come up with a supplement for them not having it all the time. I like eating vegetables for breakfast. It always reminds me of my goals and I don't have regrets if I decide I want one more dumpling.

At my friend Amy's house I tried Cheeseless Pizza. OH my goodness! It was way better than cheese pizza! I was so shocked at how much I liked it. I have been considering ways to cut down on my cheese consumption because it makes me sick a little and I know cheese isn't really that good for me. She gave me some ideas for other things I could eat like mini tuna lunch things, coffee, and I'd have to look at the list for the last one. I just feel like I'm on a good path.

Yes!

Four days of full exercise and I'm wondering if I can go for 5. It's hard for me to workout on the treadmill but I could give it a go. I'm feeling so good about me working out everyday and not actually really talking about it besides on here. I'm starting to rethink my monokini ideas. I think a regular one piece might still be fine. I remember how uncomfortable I felt with people looking at me with the weight loss. I'd rather just feel happy I can wear a smaller suit. Regardless of how much more weight I lose by the summer I still will look "better" than I felt last year and the year before. Hopefully this summer I will be able to wear more heels without feeling the burn in my legs from all the weight they are carrying.

Passing up McDonalds today at work was easy when I thought of my smaller swimsuit disappearing. I also thought about the grease dripping off the burgers making me a little sick along with the mutated meat rumored to be the base of McDonald's meat.... errr.

3 days

Three days in a row of exercising and I'm proud of myself for not slacking this week. I need to exercise tomorrow to make myself really feel like I gave it my all. I did an hour on the first day, 45 minutes the second, and an hour today. YAHOO!!! I'm pleased so much, you don't understand.

I've been having this weird feeling at work like I need to run. I mean sprint. I used to get this feeling when I was exercising before and I was pent up with feelings. When it used to happen,... I actually had the ability to go out for a jog/walk. So I would. I don't know what to do now.

I also need to figure out how to train for running in the spring. I want to be able to run my 3k or 5k in the spring. I don't even know anymore whether I want anyone to run with me because I want it to be my thing. Speaking of which, I need a new mp3 player because mine is so old and the screen doesn't work anymore. I hope to go running with an mp3 player.

Bought some more fruits today. I've been eating my fruits and vegetables but I knew I needed some more in my refrigerator because it was feeling as if I was going to be eating air if I didn't go out to the store.

I want to fit in that monokini!

tell myself to have it

I need to have more discipline when it comes to working out. I don't know how my redoing my dining room turned into me not exercising for the rest of the week. I ate much better but I still need to exercise. Exercise is the key to losing weight and yet I'm still having a problem. You can eat crap food and still lose weight when you exercise it's just harder. So if you eat healthy and exercise it should be better. I kind of came close to the 2 and half hours I needed last week if I would have worked out just one more day... Side note: My jacket that I got two christmas ago that didn't zip up all the way now zips up pretty easily.. I'm excited about that!!!

the motto worked

Even though I was tired from my day I still managed to do an hour workout last night. I still need to eat better since I still have some snacks from the holidays leftover. I'm going to dispose of them all tonight... and by dispose I do not mean my stomach. I really want to workout tonight too for an hour. Thoughts have been on my mind about adding in a separate workout for my arms. I know it's said that certain areas can't be targeted for weight loss but for muscle toning I want to lose some of fat from my arms and gain muscle.

Had my hardest workout in a long time

I was watching The Biggest Loser tonight by happenstance while working out. Let me tell you it was one of my hardest workouts in a long time. The first half hour when by like nothing. I don't know what happened it must of me focusing so much on the television that I didn't realize I burned 375 calories then. Then comes the last 15 minutes which turned into the last half hour. Yes, I worked out for an hour tonight. I really feel the burn but I also used the machine more consistently. I need to see if there are more episodes I could watch from the library or something. It really felt like I was in a competition with the contestants.

I wanted to win the challenges.
I wanted to say I lost more weight this week than I have any other week in the history of my weight loss journey.

One of the contestants said something I really need to remember:
No matter what my body says I need to keep on trucking.
If someone who is almost 3 times my size in body weight can do a hardcore workout so can I!

do have much time to post but I wanted to write

I exercised last night for 45 minutes. It was hard to do the last ten but I pushed through. I keep wanting to go back to my tae bo videos after watching the infommercial for exercise like hip hop abs. Anyway. I'm going to keep trucking and try to eat all this salad i bought. I'm going to have refried beans for dinner...

Been Wanting to Post

I've been wanting to post but couldn't find out exactly what to say. First I'd like to say I love not weighing myself even though I do well with my weight loss when I do. I just love not having anxiety over it. I haven't been exercising like I should thought. After this entry I'm going to get on my machine. I'm proud for the most part of not giving up completely on my weight loss after seeing all of these pictures of me by other people where i feel like I look like i need to lose an extra 100 pounds more than what i'm trying to lose already.

A Few of my goals for this year that I WILL complete is:
Fitting nicely in a monokini
running in a 3k or 5k
getting close if not hitting my goal weight
crocheting an afghan for myself

Some things that I really liked about this holiday season was that I spent more times with friends. I really feel like having my own place has helped with me losing weight, being more healthy, and becoming more social. I'm happy.

I need to really budget out my money and eat healthy this month because I was so generous for gifts and parties. Oh before I forget.... I was so upset when I saw the nutritional label for Panera's broccoli and cheddar soup. It is mega unhealthy. Ridiculously unhealthy. It has 52% of your saturated fat for the day and 40something % of your sodium for the day all in one little serving. I don't think I'll be ordering that anytime soon. sigh.