155.0

Good right? I feel great considering I was in the 159s a few days ago. Hopefully with this plan I can get into the 140s I love the part about eating fruit with this. I will try to eat more vegetables though. I ate grapes, an orange, and a pear for the fruit but I only had cabbage yesterday as the vegetable part. The greek yogurt with flavoring is also another good part.

156.4

I'm ok with not going down too much considering I shared a piece of cake with someone yesterday. I tried to do better today. I caved and went to the vending machine but luckily there was pistachios and I hadn't had any nuts or seeds so I think I'm within my limit. I just had fish for dinner. I'm starting to think that the reason I fell off because I wasn't using my resources to make healthy foods more creative. I need to have meals I enjoy but that don't necessarily differ too much from what I normally like to eat. My healthy food meals need to be posted so I can just pick from the list to see what I'm feeling for. I also need to just try things out. The frozen grapes thing is really working for me. I'm glad I got them on a good sale. I don't know how much the fruits I've chosen to eat will slow down the weight loss for trying to get back into the 140s but at least it makes me happy that I can make choices other than cookies/brownies. Speaking of which, I have a tea party coming up that I'm baking for but I think I will indulge without going overboard. I might just pack a small snack to put in my car if the whole party is just too sweet. I want to enjoy the people not backtrack on my healthier lifestyle.

Vegetables: I need to come up with a better way to intake my vegetables creatively. I ate cabbage today leaf by leaf and it felt like forever. I know I can do better than this. I was thinking zucchini or chickpeas or something that will be more fun. There was a recipe with roasted zucchini worth trying. This quote also popped on my Tumblr searches "Cook when bored". It's a really good idea because I usually shop when I'm bored but what better way to make me healthier than to test out the recipes! Especially to get over my fear of cooking with more than like 4-5 ingredients. I was thinking about doing the thing I did last time I lost a significant amount of weight in a short time (cooking 4 pounds of boneless skinless chicken breast and eating it for the duration of the detox period). It would be quicker but this time I will get less chicken because I remember not eating all of it.

156.6

It feels good to lose at least some water weight. I'm now doing a challenge with myself that will last until August. Hopefully I will do well. It's not a weight loss challenge but one for eating healthy. If I can go the whole day without binging on sweets and eat lean meat at least once that day (bonus points for twice) I will gain some points towards prizes of things I've been putting off getting for myself. Hopefully weight loss will come out of this but I want to be healthy more than I should really worry about the weight.

So I just looked at myself in the mirror

It was a pretty long look. I can clearly see now how I look larger. It's so apparent there is no reason for me to deny that I look jiggly. I don't know what to do. I think I just want to go grocery shopping and buy some frozen fish and some more stuff to go with the cabbage in the freezer. Part of me wants to cancel the plans I have tonight because after looking in the mirror I'm not feeling attractive at all and going to the club feeling ugly is just going to have me comparing myself to the other people. If I had been blogging I would not have let myself go like this. Even if I were stepping on the scale often it might have made me have better decisions. I think I'm so upset because I feel like a failure. I had told myself I was not going to go back up and here I am back up here feeling fat and ugly. I was getting fed up with the daily thing of worrying about my weight to the point that I couldn't enjoy some days but it feels like I'm more upset now because I just can't be healthy without tracking how I am with food and exercise. I will never have a non-food related life. This is depressing but if I can get over it will be a better people. I'm not even that much happier with all the stuff going on in my life--so much stress and not enough rest. If you are reading this please just live to be happy.

Trying to deny unhealthy habits

I'm back up to 159 and it feels pretty crappy. I still think about my weight all the time but I keep making bad choices towards my weight goals. I'm still hoping to be in the 130s but I keep eating things like Chick-fil-a, TGI Fridays, vending machine food, and chinese food on a regular basis. I tried to go back onto the south beach phase one but after realizing that my regular grocery store didn't carry 99% ground turkey breast anymore it all kind of fizzled out. I really cannot continue like this. I will not be going out to buy bigger clothes because my clothes feel tight. The confusing part is that I am doing better with Zumba in terms of the difficulty in moves but I'm getting winded some times.  One of the main things I need to change is packing my lunch for work and making sure I have more food in the refrigerator. I was going to spend hours doing my hair but I think I will make a trip to the Health Food store and see what I can get to help with the weight loss. I did buy a whole bunch of tuna to take for lunch but I get more hungry than that throughout the day. The grapes I took were devoured and I've been eating greek yogurt the few days. I kind of feel like crying. My mind keeps going back to how people told me I really needed to lose weight even after I was feeling good about myself. Sigh. Eventually I will just have to make up my mind to ignore all the others and just live how I want to be. No more alcohol-- Waste of money. No more frequent restaurant trips-- Waste of money and time. More blogging- I need the accountability of what's working and what's not. I need to vent and express my mind here instead of to others. Here is where I can express myself without someone larger than me looking at me cross because they don't understand it's still a struggle when smaller or someone smaller looking at me like why are you exaggerating, 5 pounds even 10 pounds is not that much. It's a lot when you are short. 5 pounds is the difference between fitting into a pair of pants. Everything will workout I just need to remain positive, eat healthier, pack my food, and exercise.

156 (1/30/2013)

I wish I could say it was over but it feels like it's a never ending battle with weight. I can't seem to make enough good decisions about food and drinks or even exercise. I fell into a slump because I know Zumba is not helping my weight loss like it used too. Also I've made some friends but my decisions to indulge in bad food have lead me to this point. Hopefully I can break this horrendous weight gain. I'm feeling sluggish and down mostly because I know I could be doing better. Convenience and saving money is not doing me any good. I was trying to compensate for all this going out with my diet and also I've been trying to fit in. Fitting in with others is not helping me fit into my pants. It was actually embarrassing that I was getting dressed and I could not wear some of my clothes because I gained. Also I had been working so hard and I still have people calling me fat. I'm not fat. I'm not back to obese even though I'm close. I think I may stop hanging out with people and go back to my novels and biographies to get my mind right. The weight gain is only a symptom it will solve itself when I remove the stresses from my life. I still need to find friends that like healthy choices.

146

Currently I'm 146 and still trying to go back down. It's actually hard go want to force myself into completely eating healthy. I've been trying to eat more healthy things even when I'm not eating that healthy like choosing the grilled chicken over the fried chicken or buying fish instead of fried food. Some days it's really hard to just make the decision to not eat the bad stuff because the healthy stuff I've been eating except the tacos or fish hasn't been that "OMG this tastes so good feeling" but the scale finally going down does feel good. I've also done that thing where you can take one bite of something bad and just get rid of the rest either by giving it away or throwing it away. The only problem with that is I sometimes try too many different bad things in one day. Bad is also a relative term. For instance a granola to some isn't bad but on the sugar restricting diet granola is not that great. I also might want to add my eating bad foods has helped me stick to this healthier diet from the free for all that I was having before. I feel like I can maintain my healthier food when I know I can also eat the other kind of food in moderation. I really would like to get down into the low 140s high 130s sometime before June because I would like to have my goal reached by the 3 year mark. It would be nice to say I hit the goal at least once even if it was for a short while.

Stomach Update: My fat over my belly button is starting to shrink some. I feel if I were to reach Goal I would be able to more positively show off my swimsuit. Also it's not firm but it is pretty flat for still having some weight on me.

People Update: My appearance is starting to become more normal now. I used to look in the mirror and see my old self but it's starting to feel like it's me that I'm looking at but I still keep pointing out my flaws when my weight goes up.

Clothes Update: My clothes are fitting in like the 6/8/10 range. If it goes higher than that I usually don't try it on because it's usually clothes that are meant for people with no figure.

Exercise: I'm back to Zumba. I just love it too much to give up. I had better results on the treadmill but I didn't like going on it as much because my I-pod playlist sucks. Zumba is something I want to do without really thinking too hard. Who wouldn't want to dance for an hour and lose weight?