What

I don't know when it happened but I'm really starting to notice my legs are smaller. It didn't feel that way before so I'm not sure what the actual clicker was for me seeing the change. My before and almost current pictures don't really emphasize my legs at all. So I don't know. My legs are sore from the squats and tae bo I did yesterday. There are side planks and tricep weightlifting added to that. I'm looking forward to using my elliptical today.

A guy on the weight loss forum works out 8 hours a week. It got me thinking do men typically exercise more than women when trying to lose weight? I'm going to look into that. 8 hours is better than my 3-5 hours a week. I should strive for something a little harder if possible. I will build up to a consistent 5 hours and try to go from there. The biggest loser people work out way longer than that so I know I won't kill myself if I do it. I just might be sore.

New before and almost current

Now you can really see the difference especially in my face and waist.

feeling good

So a few things!

I joined a weight loss forum. I needed a community of people interacting about weight loss. I was really feeling like I was in a dark place for the past few days.
I did a tae bo workout from youtube tonight and I'm feeling less guilty about not working out on my elliptical.
I tried on a bikini top and it looked alright despite my still having love handles.

So my blues feels like it's lifting. It's weird to want to exercise as bad as I wanted to. I need to concentrate on eating fruits and vegetables.

looking in the mirror

When I look in the mirror I still see the same person I was before I started this weight loss journey. I know in my eyes I still have 50 pounds to go on my journey the right size but I'm wondering what I'll actually look like. Looking at myself in a seated position I realize how much weight I need to lose. It is not the same feeling I have when I look in a standing position, which I feel I look decent not 100% but pretty good.

The person in the picture is a simulated version of me at my goal (on the left), my current state (middle), and my start (the right).

feeling guilty.

I did not exercise and I feel guilty about it. I should have made the time. A majority of my evening I was trying to figure in how and where I was going to exercise but it did not happen. I feel like I failed myself in a way by not exercising. I need to fit it into my day for tomorrow even though I'm not near my elliptical machine.

55 minutes

I'm proud that I did another day of exercise. While I was exercising I was thinking of how I could push myself this summer to take off the weight so I will be fresh for the winter. Like watching movies while exercising and stay on the elliptical until the movie is done. Last summer, I watched loads of foreign films so maybe this summer I will just watch a lot of films so I can just keep up with the workouts.

52 minutes

I pressured myself tonight into working out. I was laying in bed tired and ready to go to bed. Then, I started thinking about all of the things that I would be able to happily accomplish if I used today to help push me towards my goal. It wasn't bad because I was reading a book while exercising. It just felt like I could lose track of time a bit and done 52 minutes of elliptical training. I need to go and do an exercise video every once in a while to break things up a bit. Bah. Tomorrow I will exercise as well. I will have to probably force myself. I need to envision myself thin more often.

50 minutes

I worked out on the elliptical for 50 minutes today. I'm proud that I did it because I was debating whether I was actually going to get on from the room being so hot. I worked it out while watching The Biggest Loser Finale. I was amazed at how much they had lost in 5 months. It kind of makes me wish I had went on the show. It's making me really want to join a gym but I'm pretty sure I won't because of the money. I borrowed one of my favorite biographies from the library about weight loss. It's called "Half-Assed". I just need the reminders like I had in the beginning about why I am doing all this.

I'm scared of the phoney comments I'm going to receive from losing weight. People wanting to suddenly be my friend because I fit into their comfort zone of what a person should be like. I'm more afraid of staying afraid forever so I need to continue with my journey to healthiness. I want just keep on trucking. I wore my used to be tight pants to work today. It was a good feeling of not having to squeeze to put them on or walk in them. I need to remember to keep things short with people talking about my figure at work. It was easier in the fat clothes to walk around without anyone really noticing my weight. My relationship stress kick-started my shopping for skinny clothes after the car accident. I did not feel like I was ready but I usually go shopping when I want to relieve stress. I still walk into the plus size stores knowing full well that the clothes don't really fit anymore. The anxiety of trying on clothes in the "smaller" stores is tremendous. I know some larger women get that awkward feeling when you walk into the "smaller" store and people look at you like you shouldn't be in the store because you don't fit the clothes. It was weird when I tried something on and it did fit perfectly. I jumped up and down in the fitting room. It was a mini victory for me.

Watching videos and clothes

I've been watching transformation videos about weight loss on youtube. I'm not sure that I'll do one of those. Maybe after I'm completely finished I could make an animated gif of my weight loss. I'm right in the middle of it and I really want to come out on top. The big debate is whether I should join the gym that is right around the corner or just continue doing what I'm doing since it was working. The main thing is the money but the gym has a pool.

I bought swimsuit bottoms yesterday. I was looking for the full granny panty high waisted bottom so I could feel not so self conscious but I ended up buying a regular waisted bottom and a low rise cheeky bottom. Let's say I need to tack them on the fridge to remind myself of my goals. I look fine in them now I just want to look excellent. I'm not going to kill myself though just to make someone else feel better about looking at me when I strut my stuff at the beach.

Clothes: My wardrobe is changing because now I can fit into the regular stores without wearing shape wear. I had to give away several of my clothes but I can't seem to part with my I am feeling like I'm just going to have to give them away again. So it's like I know that I'm going to throw the money out the window. I just don't want to keep wasting money. We'll see what I do. I'm feeling more confident in my style and have purchased for myself my first real designer perfume-- Prada. I think when I reach my true goal weight that I will buy an awesome pair of heels.

Food: I'm totally sucking at making it a priority to go to the grocery store to buy fruits and vegetables. I definitely have to kick my habit of eating food from the vending machine or accepting food from people at school. Today I went to the store and picked up some grapes, bananas, and apples. Hopefully that will put me in the right mindset to go to the grocery store to get some real shopping done. I want to start eating more salads. I had one from Panera yesterday and it was so simple that I was kind of embarrassed that I spent so much money on it but eh. I will do better with that.

this week is not the best but i have been exercising a wee bit. It will feel better when I let the stress go.

This is the picture that didn't end up staying the last time that I tried to post about getting into the 160's but I'm doubting that I'm still there. It always happens that way. With that being said I'm going to go do some lunges in my office. Sigh.

trying to be excited.

The relationship trouble really is taking a toll on my self esteem and I have to work on that... I don't know what happened to my last post... the system must be wonky. I really want to feel excited about putting on a bikini this summer whether I'm still plus size or not. My goal is to drop some more weight and then buy the bikini. It's a halter bikini top with a high waisted bottom. I saw it on another blog and loved the idea for myself. If I feel comfortable enough I will buy a regular bottom but I will let that happen when it happens. My exercise regime sucks but I will get it to where it needs to be. I want to continue dropping weight so exercise needs to be a core focus. Eating Ramen has to stop.... I stare at the broccoli and the ramen at the same time always choosing the ramen. I need it out of my apartment!