It's funny how I haven't posted in a long time but I still look over my blog and think about how writing had kept me focused. I cannot say I'm in a good place with weight loss I keep yo-yoing around the same 5 pounds. My life feels like a boring mess despite how proud I am as a mother. Trying to figure out a way to get my weight back on track while dealing with the stress of an unexciting life seems difficult.
I was listening to a program on my journey to work (and yes, every day is journey but a mundane one) and the program talked about how you really need to ask yourself what you really want to do if you had the time or money. Well, I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing now... or at least I would be making amendments to what I'm doing. I would be working close to home to spend more time with my kids, traveling the world, and be my version of thin again. That's really all I want. Not the shopping sprees or the fancy gifts just making time for experiencing the world with my family and being thin.
I've been working on eating 3 cups of green vegetables of a day and eventually once I get used to it I will up it to 5 cups of green vegetables per day. I feel like it's the only way I know how to curb some of the horrible eating. I don't know how I got so comfortable regularly eating foods I rarely ate before like pizza, hot dogs, regular potato chips, sandwiches, and ordering chinese food. I look back to posts of how I used to eat and think if I could emulate some of that into my current situation than that would be good. I also find that the only person really beating me up over being fat is myself. Sure people don't really say that I look good period except to say that I look good for having twins. What does that even mean though? People don't even realize they are insulting me. I even had to avoid negativity from people who just kept going on about fat people and looking at me like oh except for you..... I just want to feel good when I look in the mirror. I want to feel like I'm not robbing time from my kids for working out or wanting to complete my goals. I will try to post more. Maybe that will help me through the weight loss journey yet again.
Monday, June 8, 2015
There is nothing like a shopping trip that was supposed to help my low self esteem that actually reinforced more about why I don't like how I look. Everything makes me still look like I'm pregnant. There were women basically in the first aisle I went in making fun of me saying things like how I would just be stretching out the clothes and it would never look good. Why would someone do that? I never asked them to comment about my shopping and how would they know who I am even shopping for? It feels like my first weight loss all over again except I don't have control of the food entering my home. I felt so deflated and really just wanted to leave the store. I just felt ugly. I don't even want pictures of myself but I should face the reality of what I actually look like and go from there. Everyone has some starting point. Mine happens to feel like 200lbs. Too much weight for me personally. I feel like the belly band will become a daily item for the rest of my life like underwear or brushing my teeth.
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
I'm probably not taking care of my body well enough. I'm awake on 2hrs of sleep. I was so tired I just started crying. I've literally only been away from my children for 30 minutes since I left the hospital less you count the bathroom. I want to eat to make me feel not hungry. Looking at the food in the refrigerator makes me somewhat saddened because I long to eat fish.
Monday, June 1, 2015
Alright so I decided for sure that I'm really going to do this thing even if I don't like my body in the end. My children are going to be better off with a healthy happy mom than one the wants to sulk in a corner because she has a negative body image and feels like nothing can be done. I just have to try. I never thought having twins would cause me to gain 95 pounds. I'm down a lot but I would like to lose quite a lot more before I have to go back to work. My ultimate goal is to be back at 140lbs but right now the short term goal is to get to 190lbs. I'm not cleared for exercise yet and my incision still hurts sometimes to its going to be a long road. I'm going to try to be optimistic about this weight loss.
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
I was suprised to see the 3. That means there is hope and I was so full last night from that little bowl of sautéed kale, mushrooms, carrots with baked citrus salmon. It was such a good meal. I have a lot of salmon left too so I will be making something with it again today. I'm learning how to work on my grocery spending and I think I might have to work really hard to spend within the budget I think is reasonable.