Shopping

There is nothing like a shopping trip that was supposed to help my low self esteem that actually reinforced more about why I don't like how I look. Everything makes me still look like I'm pregnant. There were women basically in the first aisle I went in making fun of me saying things like how I would just be stretching out the clothes and it would never look good. Why would someone do that? I never asked them to comment about my shopping and how would they know who I am even shopping for? It feels like my first weight loss all over again except I don't have control of the food entering my home. I felt so deflated and really just wanted to leave the store. I just felt ugly. I don't even want pictures of myself but I should face the reality of what I actually look like and go from there. Everyone has some starting point. Mine happens to feel like 200lbs. Too much weight for me personally. I feel like the belly band will become a daily item for the rest of my life like underwear or brushing my teeth.

199.6

I'm probably not taking care of my body well enough. I'm awake on 2hrs of sleep. I was so tired I just started crying. I've literally only been away from my children for 30 minutes since I left the hospital less you count the bathroom. I want to eat to make me feel not hungry. Looking at the food in the refrigerator makes me somewhat saddened because I long to eat fish. 

199.4

Alright so I decided for sure that I'm really going to do this thing even if I don't like my body in the end. My children are going to be better off with a healthy happy mom than one the wants to sulk in a corner because she has a negative body image and feels like nothing can be done. I just have to try. I never thought having twins would cause me to gain 95 pounds. I'm down a lot but I would like to lose quite a lot more before I have to go back to work. My ultimate goal is to be back at 140lbs but right now the short term goal is to get to 190lbs. I'm not cleared for exercise yet and my incision still hurts sometimes to its going to be a long road. I'm going to try to be optimistic about this weight loss.